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Far 2 Fabulous
Join Catherine & Julie, your feisty hosts at Far 2 Fabulous, as they lead you on a wellness revolution to embrace your fabulousness.
Julie, a Registered Nutritional Therapist with over 20 years of expertise, and Catherine, a former nurse turned Pilates Instructor and Vitality Coach, blend wisdom and laughter seamlessly.
Off the air, catch them harmonising in their local choir and dancing to 80's hits in superhero attire. Catherine braves the sea for year-round swims, while Julie flips and tumbles in ongoing gymnastics escapades.
With a shared passion for women's health and well-being, they bring you an engaging exploration of health, life, and laughter. Join us on this adventure toward a more fabulous and empowered you!
Far 2 Fabulous
The Seven Layers of Protection: How Cancer Taught Me the Power of Saying No
The Seven Layers of Protection: How Cancer Taught Me the Power of Saying No
Episode 73
What happens when your life suddenly transforms, forcing you to reassess who and what truly deserves your time and energy? For Sarah Sangster, a cancer diagnosis became the catalyst for a profound boundary reset that would eventually help countless others reclaim their lives.
Sarah joins us to share the deeply personal journey that led to her creating 'The Seven Layers of Boundaries' – a practical framework that transforms abstract boundary concepts into tangible, strategic actions. Drawing from both energetic principles and logical implementation, Sarah's approach gives people-pleasers and empaths a powerful system for protecting what matters most without the guilt that typically accompanies saying "no."
At the heart of Sarah's message is a revolutionary perspective: your boundaries aren't just about keeping others out – they're about creating space for you to live authentically. She explains how recognising the seven distinct layers of boundaries allows you to make intentional decisions about who gets access to different aspects of your life. This isn't about building walls; it's about establishing healthier relationships where everyone understands where they stand.
The conversation takes a particularly moving turn when Sarah shares how parenthood heightened her awareness of boundary violations. "You'll never get the time back with your children," she reminds us, revealing a profound story about choosing work over family time that ultimately transformed her approach to boundaries forever. For parents especially, this discussion offers invaluable insights into modelling healthy boundaries for children while protecting precious family moments.
Sarah also opens up about her "superpower" – dyslexic thinking – which enables her to break complex problems into manageable components and rebuild strategic solutions. This unique perspective informs her boundary framework, making it accessible and applicable across various life situations. Her closing thought captures the essence of boundary work perfectly: "You are not here to carry what does not belong to you." Listen in and discover how to create a life with greater peace, purpose, and authenticity by finally establishing boundaries that honour your worth.
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Welcome to Far Too Fabulous hosted by Julie and Catherine, join us on a mission to embrace your fabulousness and redefine wellness. Get ready for some feistiness, inspiration, candid chats and humour as we journey together towards empowered wellbeing.
Speaker 1:Let's dive in. Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Far Too Fabulous podcast. Today we are joined by a fabulous guest, sarah Sangster. I actually have known Sarah for a little while, but we have got her on talking about something slightly different. So I know her through business, the business world, and I remember going to Sarah's event business event and she gave us all a crystal which I've still got, and I thought to myself at that point this is the kind of business woman for me. You know you get gifted a crystal. Anyway, sarah is going to talk to us today about boundaries because she wrote a really lovely book the Seven Layers of Boundaries.
Speaker 1:She is a very, very, what's the word I want to use? She is a very, very. What's the word I want to use? Strategic and very. I want to call you clever, sarah. I find you very clever with your systems and the way you think about things and put business. You make business things easy. That's what I liked and I got a crystal. So I was happy. You know who does that and I've still got that crystal. And the thing that I liked about it was that you knew which crystal everybody needed. We all got different ones. So yeah, I love that about you. So we are talking about boundaries.
Speaker 1:So thanks for coming on to the podcast episode today. I know that you've got a lot going on and you're very busy, so thank you very much. Thanks for the invite. I really appreciate it. So let's talk. Talk about the seven layers of boundaries. Well, just boundaries generally. You know you've written this book in the midst of a lot of chaos and uncertainty and it came about from you being diagnosed with breast cancer. So tell us a bit more about that and how the book came about.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so the thing about boundaries, that lots of people talk about boundaries, but for me I and this goes into business, it goes into life. But lots of people talk top layer and actually I don't like top layer. I think it's really important to understand the birds eye view and when people aren't prepared to go into the depths of the problem it doesn't really help people. And so I've always been an over sharer and over giver, because if I could help somebody then it makes my life, you know, happier, a happier place to be in. So when I was diagnosed with breast cancer obviously any diagnosis that is life-changing and scary and you know you have to reassess what's going on in your life. But actually what it showed me quite quickly is that my boundaries weren't very good and actually I had a lot of people needing me and it gave me a chance to draw a line in the sand and from that came a lot of things, and one of the things was resetting boundaries, because all of a sudden I wasn't able to be that giving, because I had to be what I would call selfish. But it obviously isn't selfish, it's just making sure that when you've got very, very low energy and you feel like your life is sitting on a ticking time bomb. Your priorities need to change very, very quickly, especially when you've got young family, when you're the owner of the business that you've got to try and continue to run whilst going through quite intense treatment. And so out of any badness any, you know things that feel like they're wrong I always look for the good, so out of it came, or if I can really look at my boundaries, and then it's going to help somebody else. And it's really interesting that you said about the crystal, because a lot of the work in this book the boundaries book that I wrote, is based on energetic levels, because and I know lots of people think, oh, that's really woo-woo. But if you go into a room and you get that really horrible feeling like, oh, this doesn't feel right, I feel like there's some bad energy in here, it's often because somebody is getting into your energetic space and their energetic space isn't good. And it's the same principle with boundaries if somebody oversteps your boundaries, it feels horrible. It you know you can lose your confidence really quickly. If you're in a group of people and you feel really confident and you feel yourself, versus being in a group the same size, actually they're not giving anything to your energy, they're taking away, and it's all based on these boundaries. So there's lots of things that come into it.
Speaker 3:But the reason why it works so perfectly is because there's a strategic level to actually looking at your boundaries and going. It isn't just really, it isn't just about layers and saying, oh, you're suffering to my aura. It's actually looking at it from a strategic point of view and saying there are seven layers in my boundaries and I can only let the right people through those layers for the right reasons and I need to protect myself without having to feel like I'm constantly saying no, but protecting my energy and my space and my time so I can live my life and have what they class as main character energy without feeling like anybody's taking anything away. So the whole crystal thing and the whole energy thing there is. We are a physical person, but we have an energetic level as well, and it's the same with anything. So it's combining the things I love with the strategic side that will help people to be able to go.
Speaker 3:Okay, there's a logical reason why I'm letting you into level three, but the person next year can only come into level five. So it puts a tangible strategic level on going. Yes, you should protect your boundaries, but here's why and here's how you're going to do it. It's a very practical aspect of looking at boundaries. Does that make?
Speaker 1:sense. Does you know what? We recently spoke to a lovely lady called melanie about people pleasing, and one of the things that I think ties in nicely with this is that when you're someone who is genuinely nice and giving like you are a lovely, nice, giving person you would do anything for anyone. It does tip over into people pleasing because we we were saying in that episode about the cultural aspect of being polite and, you know, not wanting to upset anyone, you know the British are quite known for that, aren't they? And then it tips into this people pleasing and then that impacts your boundaries. So yeah it, it does make sense.
Speaker 1:I was talking to my daughter about these layers recently.
Speaker 1:So my daughter is 13 and she's having a difficult situation with one of her friends, and so she was asking me how do I go about changing? Like, what do you do if you've had a friend who's a best friend but you almost want to take them down a level to be a good friend but not a best friend? And I was talking through your book with her because of that. I said you need to move her to the next level so she doesn't have as much availability to you, you don't share as much with her, but you're still good friends. You're still good friends. So I think that practical side is really really helpful, especially when you're someone that's starting to realise off the back of the previous episodes, thinking to yourself oh my goodness me, I am people pleasing and I'm not putting myself first and that is having repercussions. We spoke about the impact on health and things like Gabor Maté's book about the body says no, all of that ties in. So was that like a big kind of awakening for you as well with your diagnosis?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I think that when, when you are empathetic and when you are that given person and often comes back down to experience, so they'll. You know, if you're an empathetic person and you care about people, you'll care about the actions that you have. That has happened in a scenario and empaths will think about that for days and weeks and months and years later and will hold on to the feeling rather than the words or the actions that happen. So say, for instance, if you like your daughter, let's use her as an example. She'll be thinking well, when someone didn't want to be friends with me, how did that make me feel? I felt like you know that I wasn't wanted and I, you know, I felt like why doesn't she want to be friends with me? So she'll be thinking I want to move away from you. But I remembered how that felt when that might have happened to me when I was in primary school. So she's thinking how am I going to work through that? And that's how we, that's how empaths think. They think through the process of how the other person is going to feel when we take an action or use our words. And so often we don't use our words and we allow people to keep entering our boundaries in a bad way because we don't want them to feel bad, but we're quite happy for ourselves to feel bad. So that's when we internalize stuff, and you know, and we get that knot in our stomach and we walk into a room we think, oh, is anyone going to be here that I might have upset, or you know, that whole process goes through it.
Speaker 3:So when I was ill, I was a bit like I've now got to not make myself available to people and obviously I've got a really good excuse reason why I can't do that. And that's and it's almost like I held on to that to say, well, I can't help you because I've got cancer. I can't do that because I've got cancer. So suddenly it almost gave me a gift by saying being able to say no and put a reason behind it. Now in the book I talk about, no is a is a full sentence. You don't actually have to say why you're saying no, you can just say no, sorry, you know, or no, you know. Or a lot of people will say, oh well, I can't do that because I'm, you know, I'm busy on that day. So then someone will come back and say, well, can you do it on the next day and you say, oh well, I can because you've not put a full stop in that sentence. So me being able to say, well, I can't because I've got cancer gave me a reason without having to. I couldn't have said anything more because I was going to go well, you're not're not that ill, are you? Oh God, you know what's going on. You know it's a full stop.
Speaker 3:So what I learned from that is going forward, I could use the cancer card when I wanted to, because I can. I don't like to use it, but if it stops the, no without any further. But actually I wanted to build in some good habits for myself whilst I was going through the treatment. I wanted to build in some good habits for myself whilst I was going through the treatment, but when I come out of it it's like, well, there's the line in the sand going forward. I'm not going to do that now.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to say that I stick to it, because everybody will push my buttons and will show that I'm an empathetic person. There's always going to be those people. I had a scenario yesterday where someone said well, it's only going to take you five minutes. The reason why it takes me five minutes is because I've got 20 years' experience in doing it, so you know that doesn't work. You know that scenario is not a good one, but I'm an empathetic person. She put on the waterworks I, you know I helped. So there is always going to be times where, where you go, oh god, I've fallen back into my old ways. But as long as you can identify what happened and then make sure you don't do it again, that's the important message to be done. But it's also good to review it and say they stepped into four and they're a seven. Let's really think about you know how I'm going to challenge that. Going forward and so tangible and being able to visualize where they live in my layers is always really, really helpful.
Speaker 2:I love it when the woo and the practical collide and it's an opportunity. I mean, you've done it so beautifully that actually it kind of takes away the woo completely and it explains exactly what's going on. And often, often with I mean like when you're in the world of Woo, you know that it isn't all kind of unicorns and sparkles, that actually there is research and there's lots of stuff all behind it. So it sounds like this book is an amazing tangible, because I mean, and again, when you're in the world of self-development and people and feelings and empathy, it's really hard to put tangible things to it.
Speaker 2:I'm right in the middle of working with a business coach who is very, very practical. Now I always work with people that have got a good dose of woo and made this conscious decision to work with somebody who was very, very practical and she keeps that's what she keeps coming back at me. So what's the tangible? Like what can they do with this? Because I keep going, oh well, they feel this and they feel and she's like what can they do with it? Like you know, nearly hold it and so to be able to.
Speaker 3:One of my things always say bring it back to the logic, because if you take the emotion out of it or the woo, or the energy, and because you can, you can hold on to logic. You can't hold on to feeling necessarily, so it's great to have that emotion and the woo and stuff, but where what's the what's the logic that you can hold on to take the emotion out? You can feel sadness and you can feel happiness and all of that stuff.
Speaker 2:But bring it back to logic, because that's where you can move forward and make a plan, and then we can talk about it and cry and, you know, drink wine or whatever it is that floats your boat you know, yeah, I love that, and you were talking before we started about your superpower, which I'd love for you to tell us about in a moment, but I think that actually, one of your superpowers is turning that woo and like what do we do with this? Into logical steps. So, yeah, tell us, tell us how, what your superpower is and and and how that's really played into this yeah.
Speaker 3:So, um, when I was at school I was diagnosed with dyslexic. So I went through a proper diagnosis, which, you know, some people do that now, but not so often. People self-diagnose and that's absolutely great. I was a great problem solver. I didn't realise that I was actually dyslexic until a teacher watched me work and it was something that for years and years and years I never told anybody. When I went for my my first job, when I started working and had my own business, you know, people would never know that I was dyslexic because I'm, you know, I hold on to a lot of information, so really great at quizzes and you know, if someone asks me a question, I can often find the information somewhere out of the depth of the conversation. So I'm my brain feels like a sponge all the time. I've got really great long-term memory for holding on to information, and it wasn't until I met somebody else that was dyslexic. I thought, oh, hold on, like she's really successful and she's going places and what's that about? And then I sort of saw Richard Branson and he was talking about dyslexic thinking and how does that all work? And I thought hold on a second, what happens? Well, that's how I think and that's, strategically how I work. So I stepped into that space, not to give myself a label I'm not really great with labels but to be able to understand actually what I have and the way that I think about things and problem solve and think about things logically. I thought everybody else felt thought like that and worked things out like that and with a very lateral thinking. But actually it's that superpower that gets me into that problem-solving situation that then enables me to be able to say to somebody okay, well, this is the problem, let's strip it all back to the smallest pieces and then rebuild it back up again, and that's how I do everything. So if somebody's got a problem, we look at the big stuff, we throw it all up in the air. It lands on the table, we shuffle it up, we sort it out, we put it into piles, we build it up based on where the goal needs to be, and it's a reverse engineer way to actually problem solve from the back forward. And so having that superpower, along with being empathetic, then gives me that viewpoint of going okay, we can solve this, anything could be solved. We just need to work out what path is right for you, and so often you're.
Speaker 3:If you know you hear me talk about business or you hear me talk about problem solving. It isn't about my situation, it's about what you need to get from it and let's find the right pathway for you going forward, because copying, pasting somebody else's journey is never, ever going to be the same, and I've seen that. You know um and julie's seen this with lots of people. We've worked in the same space with that. You know people teach. You know you learn something a to z, and so if you follow this process, you'll be as successful as I am. But you won't be because you're not following the same shoes, you've not got the same product, you've not got the same person, you've not got the same attitude, the same scenario, the same money issues. It's very personal and so I want to teach strategic problem solving game plan based on your situation. So that's that's what I do and that's the superpower that I bring to the table.
Speaker 2:It's amazing, isn't it? And I love that you talk about it as dyslexia, as a superpower, because I think often people it's portrayed as a, as a problem to get over or maybe something that holds people back, and for you it's very much. It's like front and centre of everything you do, and it's about embracing it as well.
Speaker 3:Like you know, with the uptake of AI, actually lots of people can think well, actually I could be really lazy, but it's actually given me something extra, like when I learned how to use different softwares for spell checking. My spelling's terrible, and so when I then I was always nervous about writing something because I can tell it's going to be spelt wrong, my grammar's going to be wrong, and actually then Grammarly come around and I jumped on that and everything goes through Grammarly before it gets sent out, because then that gives me the confidence to say, well, actually everything's spelt right and the grammar's good, but it's still got the essence of me. Then when things like chat, gpt come about, I can verbalize what I want to say, because typing makes me think too much and then I will miss words out because that's how my brain works, quicker than my fingers will ever work. So a lot of the things I do now I dictate and I talk, and it gets the essence of me, and I use things like chat, gpt to tidy them up and not allow me to lose my sense of direction, because I've got so much to to share. So it's also about finding the right tools to help you.
Speaker 3:So, whether it is the boundaries book, whether it's chat GPT with its family, I have all of these things around me, but then I can go. Well, I can use that tool. I can use that tool. I can make myself really strong in what I want to do and the message that I share because I'm not going well, I can't do that because I'm dyslexic and I can't ever do that because if I can do anything I want to do, I've just got to have the drive and the plan to make it happen. And I want every other female founder, business owner, mum, whatever to feel that they can do whatever they want to do on their terms, without boundaries, without people telling them what they can and can't do, but their own boundaries in place, so they then don't get exhausted by being a complete empath all the time you love that reflection that with that, with in having these boundaries, you are boundary less.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it allows you to do whatever you, whatever you like.
Speaker 1:There was a quote in your book that I really liked. In fact, there's a couple. The first one I liked was your self-worth is not a debate, it's a decision. I thought, wow, that's very, very powerful. I think that self-worth is it's really tied into boundaries, isn't it absolutely?
Speaker 3:and I think that I think when you have children and you see situations through your children's eyes and you say you know what, how could you change that? How could you have done that differently? Are you respecting yourself? Because that your friends aren't?
Speaker 3:Or you know, and having now my, my children are 16 this year and just turned 14, having those conversations that they're now talking to teachers because they're nearly at adult level.
Speaker 3:So it's a different conversation to when they were at primary school, because they're an adult, they're a child.
Speaker 3:We're now talking about nearly adult children that you know coming home and then saying, well, they said this to me and they said that to me and they're not respecting me.
Speaker 3:And having to have those different conversations and it's about, well, you need to put your boundaries in place and actually if they say this to you, then you can say, well, actually that's not right and following the process, it's a it's a challenging one, but actually teachers, I think, can do the most damage to young children. In their words they're gaslighting the way in which they don't respect them, the way they push their boundaries, the way that they don't value their place at school. So actually, if you don't have your own self-worth as a child and as a young adult and as a an adult and a business owner, then you, you need to protect that first, and then you can then reply and say, well, actually, no, you're stepping on my boundaries or you know you're not valuing me, and so I was never afraid of leaving the job if I wasn't valued or if I was, you know, if somebody else was promoted over me and it wasn't fair, I'd be quite happy to you know, to move on to other things, because I've valued myself too much for that. Yeah, that's.
Speaker 1:That's really good, and we often talk about wanting to be a role model for our children and that that's important that they see us doing the things that we're asking of them. And sometimes, you know, it's quite challenging for ourselves to be that role model. But I wonder, like, how old were your children when you got your diagnosis? How long ago are we talking?
Speaker 3:Emily was still at primary school. She was in year six, starting year six at primary school and we'd just gone into secondary school. So yeah, 10, 9 10, 11.
Speaker 3:Big transition time for them as well, with everything going on, just coming out of Covid as well, which is, you know, for most people that had children, just horrendous really. But the and it's funny that you say that about your children watching you often I had people say things like how do you get up and continue to show up and do the things? And I said, because I've got two little girls watching me. So the what I you know, even in your worstest time, can I still be kind, can I still show up, can I still have the time to spend with them, can I put myself out, can I do all of those things, can I be, have honest conversations, can I keep my communication channels open for discussion? Because actually you don't know. Well, you do know but you don't know how it's going to translate when they're adults. But what is that imprint being made onto them whilst you're going through really tough time?
Speaker 3:yeah if I'd sent them away to live with my mum and dad while I was going through my treatment? That, or if I'd gone and stayed at my mum and dad's for you know, the weeks after chemo? How would that affected? Affected them differently? I know that when I've had to go into hospital, how much effect that's had on the girls, that they've been frightened. Why is mum in hospital, all the questions that the family's been broken up.
Speaker 3:So actually, the decisions that you make and the way you show up in the hardest and the best times has an imprint that will show up in their lives going future and actually to show them that I'm strong but I can also be vulnerable and cry in front of them and be at my lowest with no hair and puffy face and no boob on one side.
Speaker 3:You know, don't hide anything from them, but actually how's it going to make them stronger, more resilient, to actually go well, if mum's done that, we can do this, you know.
Speaker 3:And so all of that, all all the sharing, the modeling that we do as parents, as mums in business, as, whatever you know, whatever you class yourself as, it's important that you think about actually who's in my center, part of my boundary that I need to protect first. And what am I showing them about not letting you know? And sometimes I, you know, like I say, you know, I let people break down my barriers and I get really annoyed. And then you know, and the girls see that, because I work from home and you know, communication is always open and I've really annoyed myself by allowing that person to use up my time, and you know, communication was always open and I really annoyed myself by allowing that person to use up my time, and you know. But it's important for them to understand that we're all human and we make mistakes, but it's understanding and identifying. I've seen that happen. I'm not going to let that happen again because it's a good lesson for them to learn as well.
Speaker 1:What do you think like having had this diagnosis and then realizing that I need to sort my boundaries out? Yes, you had a good reason and an excuse that you could tie your you know, saying I can't or I won't reasons to. But what do you think your girls have seen changing you from that diagnosis through to writing this book to now? What would they say?
Speaker 3:I think that they've always seen me. I, I have my own business and on not a large number of occasions, but on occasions I have had to say to them I can't do this with you today because I've got to do this. People that I've worked with that have completely abused my boundaries, down to one story that I talk about, where it was a Sunday afternoon we was going out to the park and we're walking to the park and my phone goes and it's the client that said I need something done right now. And I said I'm just out at the moment. I'll be back in a couple of no, no, I need it done now. You need to get home and get this work done. And I said you know I've got to go back. And you know, both my husband and my kids were like oh, come on, you know we're in the park, it's Sunday, we're going to get an ice cream. I said I've really got to do it, went home, did a piece of work, message her and said I've done it, I'm too busy. Now I'm going to the cinema with my children.
Speaker 3:And at that moment, one about three days later, I stopped working with this person, but the gut-wrenching feeling of I've put you in front of my own children. I will never, ever allow you to do that again. Now, nothing, nothing has happened that dramatic ever again. Because the feeling that I had that I'd let my kids down, that I'd put this person ahead of them, it was really, really horrible. And I do, and I have told the kids and I you know we do talk about that sort of stuff, but I think it's those lessons when you go, enough's enough. So sometimes there has to be something that happened in somebody's life that they go. That was that pushed it too far, that it needs to stop.
Speaker 3:Now, when you know for people that listen to this, people that doing work on their boundaries, think back to a time where you felt like that and that should be enough for you to go okay, today that's going to stop. I'm going to reassess my boundaries. I'm going to think about actually who I'm letting in, who I'm stopping, who keeps pushing me, who keeps taking my time, not just time, but peace. There's a lot about actually allowing you to have peace in your life and actually it's quite. It's quite a strong, integral foundation for everybody's life. Everybody should live their life with peace, that they shouldn't feel like they're being hassled all the time and stuff like that, who's taking your time but who's taking your peace away from you, and say that today is the day that you no longer allow that to happen.
Speaker 3:It's not going to happen overnight, but if you make, start making small changes and saying if you say no to everything, you can always say yes later. But if you say yes, it's and saying if you say no to everything, you can always say yes later, but if you say yes, it's very, very difficult to then say no. So take the time, let's pause before you say anything or say I'm not sure. I checked my diary and come back to you, even if someone says, well, the diary's on your phone, yeah, but I've got a paper one as well. So you can always make an excuse why you're not saying yes.
Speaker 3:But give some space between somebody encroaching on your boundaries. Give yourself a breathing space before you come back. But it starts with the feeling. But then bring it back to logic and say this is how I'm going to move forward with my boundaries. You'll never get the time back with your children, never, ever. It's like the fastest moving time ever, and someone said that when your children turn 18, you then, if you work out how much time you actually spend with your children past the age of 18. On average, it works out something like five days a year, five four days a year you're gonna make me cry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I, I know.
Speaker 2:And it's totally right. My eldest daughter's just turned 18. And she's I mean she's living her best life.
Speaker 2:And honestly, I think I need a PA. Just what I actually need is like a check-in at the door, because sometimes I don't know who's in, I don't know who's out. Like you know where is everybody when you work and what you're doing, and she's off to university in september and I am just so aware of how little time and I just, yeah, I want to. I want to grab her and hold her and just say and it's frightening.
Speaker 3:You know their childhood they spend with you. You know, obviously they go to school but you know they're here, they're, you know with you so much and then suddenly they go and you want them to. You know you've built these children in a way and encouraged them and educated them to be strong and resilient and to go get life and to have brilliant dreams. But the downside is that is that you've made them not need you and so therefore they don't need you anymore. You know and obviously I've got a couple of years to go for that but it's that frightening feeling actually when you get a diagnosis and you think I don't know if I'm going to be around for the future. Actually, when you, when you look at anybody's life, you want to be part of their future. But you need to build those communications and those relationships so they want to be part of your. You know they want you to be part of their future as well, because when they're 18, you don't get to say you have to spend each holiday with me or Christmas or you can't travel the rest of the world.
Speaker 3:I move to the other side of the world to live with my husband, you know, and I the thought of my girls doing that. I'll be like, well, I'm coming with you, you know, and that exactly you know, that's all fine. I think that if you have got children and you people are abusing your time and your peace, it's you know, take it back, you know, because you'll you won't go, you know, in your 50s and 60s or on your deathbed. Oh, but I helped that person make that, you know, extra 500 pound in a business or you know, help that person. Do xyz, you'll be like I wish I just had more time, you know, more time with my children, with my grandchildren, with my family, whatever my parents, whatever it is, they protect your time and protect your people.
Speaker 2:I think they're so. They are so important. I just did a um, a bit of a survey across the people that I work with again, because I'm looking at my business slightly differently and lots of things were about peace and lots of things were about spending more time with family and friends.
Speaker 3:Loads of people said that yeah, absolutely, and often there is this hustle mentality within business and I've always pushed that back and said, well, I don't want to do that, I don't want to. And you know, and actually a really good example is I've got no issue with multi-level marketing. You know, people earn their money however they want to, and often I get people can say to me oh, you'd be really great at this. You know, you're a really great salesperson. You've got, you know, loads of people you'll be really great at selling this product and I'll say, maybe, but it's not how I want to live my life and I don't want to. When I walk into a room or go to the school gates or, you know, go out for dinner, someone's like what's she going to sell us this time? You know, is she going to be, you know, is she, are we on her target list? Because I know how multi-level marketing works, and so everybody's got their own sense of how they want things to be, and so you've got to build your business on the way that you want to live your life, and so that's always been my you know my mantra.
Speaker 3:I suppose that everybody wants different things, everybody's got different goals. Everybody's will push themselves if they need to, but you don't need to follow someone else's route. You've got to work out what you want, how you spend your time, how you're going to work out your numbers, how you're going to show up, how you're going to deliver to your clients, whatever it is that you want to do. If you want to run a business, great. If you want to be employed by somebody, great. It's your personal choice and nobody can tell you that you're wrong or right. All they can do is support you in the process. And so, whatever it is that people want time, peace. You know. Some people talk about money and they say, well, actually, if I could just have a really great holiday every year, then I'd be really happy. And you say, right, great, well, let's see how we're going to make that happen. And so everybody's got their own right to live their life on their terms. And so everybody's got their own right to live their life on their terms, and that's really important.
Speaker 2:What I love all the way through all of this is it's all about you, it's all about the person that's at the centre of it and the empowerment of that. So even when that woman, when you were in the park, said you've got to come and do it now and we talked about this with Mel as well that wasn't her fault.
Speaker 2:That was your fault for allowing her to do that, yeah, and so being able to recognize that, and then. But everything that you've said is is all about you at the center of it and I just, yeah, it's lovely.
Speaker 1:I want to know where the seven layers came from, because I think, like when I started reading that, I was like all right, I get the first layer, yep, the second layer, the third layer and then beyond that, I hadn't really thought there were other layers. Um, it was really interesting. So how did you come about these seven?
Speaker 3:layers, so it's a combination of the seven energetic layers. So they say that they that things work in seven year cycles. So your aura has seven layers, so from outside um atmosphere down to your core, the touch in your skin, and often if people have trauma in their life, it shows up physically seven years later. So say, for instance, you might be in a car crash and the trauma of that as an example, something happens seven years later. So say, for instance, you might be in a car crash and the trauma of that as an example, something happens seven years later, that suddenly you something happens.
Speaker 3:And so there are scientific examples of lots of those cases where seven year cycles things work in seven years. Its foundation is in that. So, and then, going from that, we look at the different ways in which different people enter our space. So there are ways in which things that are really close to us, to people that are, if you walk past them in the supermarket and they sort of touch at you or something that still affects you, but you don't need it to, it doesn't have to end to that. So it always needs to be those layers, so energetically on on an aura base, and in the seven years is the combination of all those three things.
Speaker 2:I love that it's so really that's really good, and now you've said that to me, I'm like, yeah, that makes total sense how many of us are now going to go back and look at what like any kind of significant traumas in their lives and count backwards and forwards seven years and see what's happened and and probably see things?
Speaker 3:and also I think that when you understand those, like you really understand the layers and it's often, often things really get on your nerves, like someone's rude to me or someone cuts me off and I think they're sevens.
Speaker 3:Why? Why are they even? Why am I even giving them a second thought? And actually so when you actually understand the layers and actually how it you just you just go well, I'm not going to let that in and protect yourself and you know so it it's all those combinations because actually if that one person, if I don't clear that, so if I don't clear that person from layer seven, that attitude or that comment or that look or that judgment, if I don't push it away, it's gonna keep creeping into me. So it's not just gonna go away, it's just gonna go, it's gonna bug me even more. And then next time it happens. I remember and it happened again, and so when you hold on to things, they just get closer and closer and closer and closer to your physical being.
Speaker 3:And and actually when I was quite poorly, when I first got diagnosed, I got lots of people say, do you think it's something that you've done? Do you think you've got cancer? Because something you've done, something wrong, which I took really obviously personal, because I'm like what have I done? I'm not a bad person. And they're like, no, no, do you think you've done something that is encouraged yourself to get cancer? Like what a ridiculous thing to say. But I think what they were, what I missed the point of, because I took, I was like, well, you can't tell it's me, I'm a good person. Why are you saying I've got to give myself cancer? But have I people pleased for so long? And I have let things bother me and I've held things in into my you know that horrible gut feeling in my stomach when I'm like, oh, I don't like that and I want to say something but I don't have the confidence to say it because I don't know how it's going to make that person feel or change that scenario. Have I done something? And actually, you know, no, scientifically I got a specific type of cancer that is hormone driven, that is speeding off forever. Could I look at that scenario and think was there something seven years ago that happened? But believe me, I did research into what happened to me seven years ago. Nothing bad happened.
Speaker 3:You do think about that and I think that you can look too deeply into that, but you also need to make sure that you're constantly clearing the bad away, so therefore, you're not allowing bad things to enter those different realms of your body, and whether that is not only food, atmosphere, you know, going through airports constantly changing your, you know, clearing your, your aura, that is really woo, woo crystals. You'll see, behind me I've got feathers and all sorts of stuff that I clear stuff. I've always got cards that I read pick out a card of the day, whatever I think is the protection of yourself, that if you was to go into battle years ago, you would have armor. But we don't have the same armour when it comes to the way people talk to us and the way that we interact with people, and so the boundaries allow you to have that invisible armour that you need to be able to protect yourself. Does that make sense or has that gone off on a tangent?
Speaker 1:I don't to set your boundaries and then you wanted to share it with others and we spoke before we come on air about we're all terminal and that you know. Obviously, having a diagnosis like that and being in that, that mindset of am I going to be around for my girls, is going to change the way that you go forward in your life. But being able to put down when you're in the midst of all of this chaos is to go right. People need to know about boundaries because you've learned something from it and that's the positive side of having that diagnosis. I love that.
Speaker 3:That's the way that you've you know, you've, you've looked at it and there's always a positive from a negative and there is always a negative from a positive. And I learned a piece of work years ago and it's called the timeline and you basically get an A4 piece of paper and everybody can do this. You get an A4 piece of paper, you draw a line through the middle of the page halfway and that's your timeline, from the moment you're born to the day that you're doing the exercise, and everything below the line are things that are negative, that's happened in your life, and everything above the line is things that are positive that have happened in your life. So you start off with the major milestones, like when your children were born, when you got married, when you met the love of your life, when good things happened in your career, when you had a really good experience. So you start off with all the really great milestones and then you think about all the bad things that happen, like when people have died or when you know trauma happened in your life, whatever. And if he was to zone in on every single positive, there'll be a negative, something that's happened that like, say, for instance I'll give you an example of when I had my daughter Ruby, so I had.
Speaker 3:You know I had this birth plan. You know everyone has this perfect idea of a birth plan, don't they? No drugs, you know aromatherapy, hypnosis you know all of the stuff I had wanted to have from the birth. And then I had a headache for five weeks. So five weeks before my due date I had a headache, really bad. I suffered with migraines, didn't really think much of it wasn't going away. Found out the midwife and said I've got really really bad headache. And she's like, okay, we'll just pop in, we'll just check your blood pressure ever. I was in the hospital for 20 minutes and they said you've got pre-cancer, we're gonna have to deliver this baby really really quickly. You're gonna have to have a c-section, didn't? And I'm like, no, no, no, no, this isn't on the plan, I can't. You know I can't possibly do this anyway. You have to because it's so young.
Speaker 3:So out of one of the best things that ever happened in my life becoming a mum, which is like top two because I've got two children these two out of the most amazing thing that happened in my life was a really awful negative had a really bad birth experience, really, really traumatic. I was really really ill after I wasn't able to hold my baby for two hours after she was born because I then that's how long it takes for them to sign me up again because I was so unwell. Going forward, I could then help people with like, well, if you ever have to do this, this is and actually the second time I had my, when I had Emily, I said I need to hold Emily straight after she comes out of my tummy. It's really, really important for me to actually see her and hold her, and so that that made them happen. After I made sure that I wasn't giving any morphine because it made me really drowsy and sick afterwards. So I took the learnings from the negative that happened in that experience to make sure it didn't happen to me again, but also was able to help somebody else to say, well, when you do that, make sure they don't do this and ask to do this, ask to see the baby straight away. Don't let them exclude. You have the baby with you know, with the dad beside you the whole time they're doing because there was no reason for them to go somewhere else. They could have just sat beside me, but it didn't suit the surgeon.
Speaker 3:So and so, if I go through all the positives, there are some negatives and then negatives there's always because there's always a learning experience from it. So I often do the timeline. Actually I'll do it every year because I'm like what's happened in the last year, what's the learnings, what's the positive, what's the negatives and actually what? How could I then potentially take what's happened in a negative way to spin it to help somebody else? So I had really bad experiences with in A&E as part of my chemo care, I had to restrain a nurse from injecting me with a dirty needle and so when I made the complaint and then a retraining happened in that department about how to deal with people that had quick lines, there was a positive that comes from that. So no one ever would experience that being actually saying to a nurse do not touch me, and you know calling security because I'm not being touched by this nurse. It's a horrendous experience. But the positive came that there was retraining that happened.
Speaker 3:So the point of what I'm saying is there's always positive, there's always negative, and if you can look for the positive and there'll be negative and even the positives, when then, when there's a negative that happens to it, what's the learning to go forward? It makes the worst days bearable because you're always looking for that positive that you can always go. Yeah, I'm having a really shit time, but what's good about this? You know, I've been able to do this. I've been able to catch up on podcast, I've been able to do some reading. I've been able to do this. And so, if you've always got that positive mindset attitude, if you always find that you know that silver lining in the cloud of the greyest day, because you're looking for it rather than waiting to be being classed as a victim or you know you're a cancer patient no, I am this, but that doesn't define me. I define myself.
Speaker 2:I love things like timeline technique and things like that. We did something in our when I trained to do subconscious transformation. We did lots of things with timeline technique and things. The wonderful thing is that you get to. You get to take all of those learnings and, yeah, whether they're good experiences, whether they're bad experience, take all those learnings and then let go of all of the like, the, the emotion that, the emotional storm that goes around with them and all the decisions that you've made around them about whether it's good or whether it's bad, just to take those learnings to be able to reapply for the future and and let go of that emotional storm that sort of drags you back?
Speaker 1:yeah, absolutely. Well, I know that we've got to wrap up our episode today and the time's gone really quickly. I just want to finish off with the other quote, because people listen and go. What was the other quote, julie, that I like from the book? Obviously they're going to go and read the book. It's super easy to read and it just gives you the steps. This is what layer one is. This is what it means. This is what you need to do. I loved it. You are not here to carry what does not belong to you. I thought that was absolutely brilliant. I love that. So finish on that. I think yeah that's amazing.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for joining us, sarah, where people find you if they uh, if they want more sarah.
Speaker 3:so um, if you're interested in the book, it's available on amazon, so kindle or printed form if you want to write on it. I do love an actual book and it's got a nice texture to it as well, which is really important. So you can buy the book on amazon. You can find me easiest on Instagram or LinkedIn, and so follow me. I'm a non-sales, pitchy person. So if you want to come and chat to me, then you're more than welcome.
Speaker 3:And if you do buy the book, there's a QR code in the back of the book that you can get a free summary call with me just to chat through your boundaries and how you experience the book. So I do encourage everybody to book a free session just to share with me your boundaries and where you could need some extra help. And if you're in business and you want to reset some boundaries, then you know we can talk about that as well. But, yeah, enjoy that and share it with other people that you, if you see people that are struggling with their boundaries and you see they're constantly being, you know, stepped over or used, then you know. So you want to read this boundary book. It might really help you, so gift it if you can as well yeah, lovely.
Speaker 1:Thanks ever so much, sarah you're welcome.
Speaker 2:Thanks for your time thank you for keeping us company today. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review your support helps us on our mission to reach 1,000 women in our first year. So share with your friends and family. You might just change a life.
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